My band is uncomfortable again like it was in February. Eating is painful and I'm throwing up most of the food which is causing swelling...making it even harder to eat. I'll admit, the food I'm trying to force down my pie hole is shit I shouldn't be eating in the first place. I know better, but I'm not doing better.
I've been mentally and physically stressing myself over roller derby. I don't mean to sound as if its a burden because its not, but its still such an unusual place for me to be at and I'm struggling with myself more than anything. We really have to prove ourselves in order to be able to bout, through dedication, attitude, and skills. I've been giving it my all and I know I'm not one of the best players, but I feel like I'm making baby steps.. Until last week.
Two steps forward, one big slip back... Literally. We were scrimmaging this past Sunday in Meadville PA and the floor was super slick. I assumed it was to be expected since all surfaces are different, and I didn't have much experience at other rinks. Turns out there was grease on the track in spots, which we all skated through and spread all over. To top it off I had the wrong wheels on. So I went to turn around and back up while scrimmaging and next thing I know my feet went out from underneath me and I fell flat on my back knocking my head into the concrete floor, not once but twice. I was told it was one hell of a bounce.
The rest is still pretty foggy. I was told I had a mild seizure and passed out briefly. Al I remember was feeling completely out of control of my body. I could hear people asking me to respond.. I wanted to squeeze their hand or open my eyes, or talk but I couldn't. Finally as they were strapping me to the board to take me out of there I woke up and realized what was happening. I started to panic immediately because I remembered that my kids were there. I tried to get the words out "don't let the kids see this" over and over but I didn't know if I was actually talking at that point. Luckily two of my teammates and good friends stepped in and took my kids away to occupy them. They didn't have any idea what was going on. From there it was off to e hospital for a ct which didn't show any major problem. I have a concussion and am following up with my Dr. tomorrow to see when I can skate again.
I'm pissed. I'm bummed. But I'm relieved. This was probably what I needed to ground me... No pun intended. I still will try to pass the new skills test next month and I may or may not do it. But honestly I bet I will by July. I will still be able to fight for my spot on the roster each bout, but now that I know I can't bout in the next bout I'm ok with it. This slowed me down just enough to realize that roller derby, although I love it, isn't the most important thing in my life .. But there is no way I'm giving it up.
Our jerseys are here, and I look and feel like a stuffed sausage. It's Ok though because I need some more motivation. So I'm going back to my shakes for a while to detox and drop some lbs while I can't exercise.
Here are some pics of me at 212lbs. 45lbs down from the beginning!
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| Today 212lbs in my jersey that is too small. I'll get there. (I really wish I knew how to make these pics side by side) |
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| And here are some before shots.. I like to look at how far I've come. October 257lbs |
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| Dear Lord that's a lotta gunt! |
I'm still only 1/2 way to my goal weight.. but the biggest difference isn't what I look like. It's how I feel and what I'm able to do with my body and my life.
