Back to basics!

It's been a while since I've blogged... I've been busy quitting my job, trying to stay on the derby team, and making sure my kids are enjoying the great weather we have been having lately.

My band is uncomfortable again like it was in February. Eating is painful and I'm throwing up most of the food which is causing swelling...making it even harder to eat. I'll admit, the food I'm trying to force down my pie hole is shit I shouldn't be eating in the first place. I know better, but I'm not doing better.

I've been mentally and physically stressing myself over roller derby. I don't mean to sound as if its a burden because its not, but its still such an unusual place for me to be at and I'm struggling with myself more than anything. We really have to prove ourselves in order to be able to bout, through dedication, attitude, and skills. I've been giving it my all and I know I'm not one of the best players, but I feel like I'm making baby steps.. Until last week.

Two steps forward, one big slip back... Literally. We were scrimmaging this past Sunday in Meadville PA and the floor was super slick. I assumed it was to be expected since all surfaces are different, and I didn't have much experience at other rinks. Turns out there was grease on the track in spots, which we all skated through and spread all over. To top it off I had the wrong wheels on. So I went to turn around and back up while scrimmaging and next thing I know my feet went out from underneath me and I fell flat on my back knocking my head into the concrete floor, not once but twice. I was told it was one hell of a bounce.

The rest is still pretty foggy. I was told I had a mild seizure and passed out briefly. Al I remember was feeling completely out of control of my body. I could hear people asking me to respond.. I wanted to squeeze their hand or open my eyes, or talk but I couldn't. Finally as they were strapping me to the board to take me out of there I woke up and realized what was happening. I started to panic immediately because I remembered that my kids were there. I tried to get the words out "don't let the kids see this" over and over but I didn't know if I was actually talking at that point. Luckily two of my teammates and good friends stepped in and took my kids away to occupy them. They didn't have any idea what was going on. From there it was off to e hospital for a ct which didn't show any major problem. I have a concussion and am following up with my Dr. tomorrow to see when I can skate again.

I'm pissed. I'm bummed. But I'm relieved. This was probably what I needed to ground me... No pun intended. I still will try to pass the new skills test next month and I may or may not do it. But honestly I bet I will by July. I will still be able to fight for my spot on the roster each bout, but now that I know I can't bout in the next bout I'm ok with it. This slowed me down just enough to realize that roller derby, although I love it, isn't the most important thing in my life .. But there is no way I'm giving it up.

 Our jerseys are here, and I look and feel like a stuffed sausage. It's Ok though because I need some more motivation. So I'm going back to my shakes for a while to detox and drop some lbs while I can't exercise.
 Here are some pics of me at 212lbs. 45lbs down from the beginning!

Today 212lbs in my jersey that is too small. I'll get there. (I really wish I knew how to make these pics side by side)

And here are some before shots.. I like to look at how far I've come. October 257lbs

Dear Lord that's a lotta gunt!

I'm still only 1/2 way to my goal weight.. but the biggest difference isn't what I look like. It's how I feel and what I'm able to do with my body and my life.

Paranoia will destroy'ya!

"Inhale, exhale." is one of my many internal thoughts lately. Life is overwhelming sometimes, and by sometimes I mean all of the time. Our schedule is jam packed and it will never let up. "Let's just get through Christmas then things will slow down" I would say. Then it was the kids birthdays, and now into summer there is something going on every weekend. I know everyone deals with this, I just haven't found a good way of handling it yet.

Last Tuesday I went to Dr Pham's. I was in need of a fill big time because I haven't lost weight in weeks and I was always hungry. He wasn't very pleased with me. He wanted to fill me with .5ccs but I wouldn't let him. I insisted on only .25ccs since last time he had to remove .5 in order for me to be able to eat without pain. Bryan thinks I need to be where I was before I had some taken out, and the problem is "all mental" as he says. This makes me want to punch him right I between those beautiful blue eyes of his. I don't appreciate his oppinion on this, but it turns out that the .25 wasn't enough. All week I've been over eating because I'm hungry every two hours. So tomorrow I go back up for some more. If you are waiting for me to say he was right, you'll be here all night. It's not mental... I don't know what it is.

This last fill sucked! Usually it's a stick of a needle and I'm out of there but not this time. He poked and prodded for over 5 minutes all while pushing on my abdomin which hurts the worst. My port has shifted. The port is suctured inside the muscle and my muscles are changing. Because of this, my port is now slightly slanted. Basically this means he can't just stick the needle in anymore, he has to try to move it from the outside and it blows. He said eventually the port could totally flip over which would mean minor surgery to fix it. I'm hoping we don't get there. Next time I'm requesting that he numbs me.

He asked how many calories I was eating. I said 1000 which means 1200-1500 for realz. He was totally disappointed. He insisted at 600 again. I'm like "are you sure? Cuz I am super active now, I'm not just a fat chick being fat like I used to be. My thighs and calfs are getting solid and I'm building muscle" and it was at this point when I really insulted him I think. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful dr and really nice, but I the fat person, think I know better. So again, as he often does, he brought me back down to earth. "You are not other people. 2oz of food at a time. If you are still hungry after the 20 minutes it should take you to ear that, have 2 more oz. that's it." He said with frustration in his voice. "You have got to be eating a ton of carbs" ya got that right Doc! Peeps, Cadbury Eggs, Peanut Butter Eggs and grilled cheese sandwiches to be exact. So needless to say, he is right.

I'll give a derby update since most people in my life still can't believe I'm doing this. I have finally learned to let go! I have let go of the fear which has been holding me back big time. I used to be terrified to scrimmage or practice with my own team. It's all gone. Don't get me wrong, I still get fucked up, as long as I can see straight I keep going. Now I'm working on getting back up quickly, and knowing where to be. I have become more confident in my ability, not cocky for those who expect that from me, but confident. I'm going to be a good fucking blocker someday! Ok so maybe that was cocky, but its the truth. I've been so hung up on what other teammates think of me that I've become paranoid and I have quickly learned to knock it off. Truth is they probably don't have an opinion about me, and if they do I'll strive to prove them wrong. Bryan told me "if you are going to mess up when you are out there, mess up 100%. That way you had an intention and a plan and you went for it. If it was the wrong move you will learn and not do it again. But if you are trying to think about things and doubting yourself when you are out there you aren't doing anyone any good. You are slowing everyone down." I will listen to Mr I went to college for free because of football. His advice is welcomed here.

Speaking of Mr. Right, I want to point out the fact that he is down 95lbs. The other night we were talking about out weight loss. He was feeling down, as we still do. He said he still felt like a fat guy when he looked in the mirror. I understand that feeling. He has been getting a bunch of complements but not from certain people who he was hoping would notice. I k ow that feeling too. When people ask him what he did to lose weight he tells them "I had surgery, and I go to the gym 5 days a week". They immediately get weird and walk away. Tough shit I say. These surgeries saved our lives and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I quickly pulled up some pics for him so that he could be reminded of what once was.

And now, let's have a look back!

Two Years Ago

Last Summer. Me Petting a horse, or donkey.. whatever it was it ended up sneezing on me which is way worse than a kid sneezing on you. Look at how WIDE I was!

About 1 year ago. Notice how low my gunt was. That was a big wake up call for me.

This past October

6 months ago day after surgery

LAST MONTH!!!! Yay Daddy!

** I PROMISE TO POST A RECENT PIC OF ME. I'M WAITING FOR MY DERBY JERSEY TO COME IN BECAUSE DERBY IS A BIG PART OF THE NEW ME**

Tight as a virgin

     These past two days have been tight. A few posts ago I wrote about having to go up to Dr's early and get some fluid removed because I could hardly eat anything. After that I found myself being able to over eat again. At Easter dinner I said to Bryan "I should not be able to eat this much" but I could, and I did. So Tuesday I'm scheduled for a fill which should speed up the weight loss again.
      For whatever reason I've been super tight, especially today. I've thrown up everything I've tried to eat. I can't get anything down. So here I am tonight sipping on wine and eating ice cream cake that we had left over from the kids birthday... Since they seem to slide down nicely.

      Derby is going well. I can see little improvements physically each time, but emotionally its been pretty brutal. I just have to remember that I know myself better than anyone, and I can't let anyone take this experience away from me. I will not use my weight as an excuse, however it is my reality right now and I am not an athlete... Yet. I am the biggest girl on the team, (story of my life) but I'm learning how to use my body to my advantage. I'm such a slow learner, I always was in school so I've been feeling completely incompetent which has been destroying me. I need to snap out of it and keep going.

I'll check in after my fill

40lbs Off!!

Today's weigh-in was a good one! I'm at the 40lb mark and it feels great to be here! I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say "Not bad dude". Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go (80lbs) but to be 1/3 of the way there feels really good. I know that if I hadn't gotten my lapband I would be around the 300lb mark by now... no doubt in my mind. I know that people still look at me like I'm crazy for having it, and everyone has an opinion, but I don't care one bit. Nobody can take away this feeling. It feel so good!

My band works for me because I work for it. If you go into weight loss surgery thinking it's going to do the work for you and solve all of your problems, you will be disappointed. You have to change your lifestyle no matter what.. this just gives you the help you need to do it. I still haven't completely changed my lifestyle. Even though I'm 100% more active than I've ever been, I still crave junk food.. especially when I'm PMSing. That is my problem that I'm trying to work on especially hard.

Bryan and I were in bed a few weeks ago and I had my hand on my thigh. I said to him "What is this?! Feel this! Give me your hand and feel this!" and has he put his hand on my hip he said.. "It's your hip bone". Woh dude! I haven't felt that in 10 years! It's been buried under layers of fat! Little things like that is what you begin to notice and it's very encouraging. I try not to dwell on how far I have to go, but rather enjoy each little change I notice and keep pushing myself.

Speaking of pushing myself, roller derby is getting better. The practices were a rude awakening for us newly rostered girls and I was absolutely terrified. I spent so much time being psyched out that I couldn't focus on what I was supposed to be doing with my body so I would end up getting hurt and discouraged. I'm learning to go balls to the wall, focus, and use this big ass of mine to my advantage, and like this weight loss journey, I'm seeing little changes every time. I'm becoming more confident, and am almost getting used to being in pain all day every day.

I'm so happy that I have my band and even though there are ups and downs, this was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. Bryan and I were confidently on skates, roller skating with our kids at their birthday party and I know we couldn't have done that a year ago, or even 6 months ago. There is no such thing as being fat and happy. Every day we are able to enjoy our lives better than before... and with the little family we have made, there is a lot to enjoy!

Surprising results

Friday was weigh in day and I was shocked at the scale. Since I've been home from vacation, I haven't been to the gym and hardly to derby. I wasn't even logging my food yet. So when I saw that I lost 5lbs I was happy! Today is Monday and I'm down two more pounds. I'm still VERY restricted and wondering if I should have some fluid taken out. Eating is miserable.  I have to ease into my meal, it's as if I'm stretching my band a little when I eat and less bite becomes less uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm just slowing down. I'm losing weight as I should so I'm happy, and I feel great! (218lbs)

Back in Action

I'm back after taking a month off. It wasn't my intention to stop blogging for the month of February, but it was the shortest month, and the busiest month. This post may be lengthy.

Derby: First I'll start with a roller derby update. I quit. Just kidding. I know many are just waiting to hear that. So as we entered into February, the training camp came to an end. When I started the training camp I didn't expect to last one week. Then as time went on, I could see my improvements which was encouraging, and the entire roller derby lifestyle became intoxicating. By the end of the camp I knew I wanted to continue with derby since I was losing weight, becoming stronger, and surprising people, myself included. I figured I would just go on Thursday nights which is "Fresh Meat". It's a chance for non-team members to learn and improve their skills. I had no idea that I was going to end up making the team! In order to become a rostered skater, you have to take a physical test. Something I NEVER expected to be able to do in the year 2013. A few months ago I had a band implanted in me because I was so fat that I couldn't walk without being in serious pain. Now here I was skating my ass off. The day before I left for my vacation I passed the test. It took me a few tries, but I did it. I was physically ill over it, I was so nervous! When I did it I even cried a little. So here I am a "Babe"... so now what?

Now that I made the team I'm attending practices on Wed and Sun, and now it REALLY gets tough! I thought the training camp was hard.. pfft that was NOTHING compared to this. I got my ass kicked last week! My body hasn't experienced that level of trauma since I gave birth to Rosalie.. and this was just my first practice! I'm laughing as I type this but holy shit this is hard. These broad have been doing this for years, and even they get fucked up, but they are trained and know how to take a hit, and give one. I quickly realized that not only do I need to go to practice, but I need to also go to Fresh Meat. Just because I made the team in a months time doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing. So that's my intention. Fresh Meat and practice. I need to be patient with myself and take it slow, and remind myself that I've only been active for a month. I also need to remember that I'm a mother, and if I break something I'm screwed.. but that's not stopping me from going forward.

Vacation: This month was full of vacations! Rosalie and I were lucky enough to be able to go to San Diego for a week! Our best friends moved there a year ago, and Rosalie and their son have been best friends since they were babies. My In-Laws vacation there yearly as well so we stayed with them for a few days, and with our friends the rest of the week. It was a BUSY vacation! We were able to do and see so much. We went to Disney Land which was awesome. I was worried going into it because my parents dragged us there (that sounds horrible but it's how it felt) when I was 17 and out of high school. We actually went to Disney World and I totally didn't appreciate it. It was hot, and I just didn't care about anything there, but my parents wanted us to see it and experience it. I was worried Rosalie would be the same way, but I think she truly enjoyed it. The best part for me was being able to actually ride the rides with her, and to walk the part without being miserable. One of my biggest fears has been that we would be too fat to enjoy things with our kids, like Disney. I also waked the San Diego Zoo with no problem. It was amazing considering a few months earlier, I couldn't walk the neighborhood without wanting to cry.

My Band:  Ah my band. Well since my last fill I've been pretty restricted, especially for breakfast and lunch. I feel like I'm forcing food down.. sometimes it goes, sometimes I puke it up. I lost 10lbs in January and I'm plateaued again. I went Tuesday for my appointment and he didn't give me a fill. I figured he wouldn't. He basically told me that I need to figure out why I'm feeling restricted. Is it a matter of my band being to tight, or am I just still trying to over eat, or eat quickly without chewing like I should. I have a feeling it's me trying to eat too fast and too much still. It's all in my mind still, more than physical. He said it should take me 20 minutes to eat 2oz of food. If I'm eating for longer than that I'm just grazing. He's right. So now I'm just focusing on my hunger and really making sure I'm chewing my food till it's liquid. Then I'll know if I'm ready for a fill in a month or not.

Over all, I feel really good! If I can feel this good weighing 220lbs, what's it going to feel like when I'm out of the 200's? It's been 10 years so I really don't remember, but my body is changing so much! It's easy to feel bad when people aren't complementing you.. especially those closest to you, but when I look at myself in the mirror I can see every little change and there is no way I can feel bad about that. I can also see a bunch of bruises from getting thrown around at derby!

At the end of my posts I like to do an update on my stellar husband. He looks SO GOOD! When he picked us up from the airport I couldn't believe it. I thought to myself "who is that man holding my son's hand?" I just can't believe it! I've never viewed my husband as being fat. "You're not fat, you're manly!" I would tell him, and I meant it. When I look back at pictures I can't believe what I see because I don't remember it. Our relationship has always been more than physical. There is so much more to him than his weight. But now I'm realizing that I've never viewed him like this either. So proud of him! I hope he feels as good as he looks!

Big Changes!

This week has been busy! I tried a new workout Monday night and it was HARD!  Zumba was Tuesday night and by the time Wednesday rolled around my body was warn out! I usually do Zumba on wed before Derby but I didn't dare. When it came time to skate our timed laps I felt like I was going to collapse! Part of the requirements for the skills test is to skate 25 laps in less than 5minutes. I'm certainly not there yet. I was at 6.23 so I have some work to do. The entire practice I felt nauseous. I think that Monday night work out destroyed me! I wanted to go back to the new workout this week but I learned quickly that I just can't do it all. I'll stick to zumba 3 days a week and Derby, now once a week.

I got to try out my derby skates tonight! They are PERFECT!! Bryan and I took the kids to family night at the rink and met up with some friends. It was amazing to me to think of how far we have come already. In just a few short months Bryan and I have gone from not being able to walk without pain, to skating (well!) with our kids. Its amazing!! So if anyone is considering weight loss surgery, I can say absolutely yes, its worth it... As long as you are willing to do the work!

PS I'm down a pound this week. I've decided to start weighing myself  every two weeks. My weight isn't what I need to focus on, its my hunger and how I feel. The numbers will fall into place if I keep going on this path.