"Inhale, exhale." is one of my many internal thoughts lately. Life is overwhelming sometimes, and by sometimes I mean all of the time. Our schedule is jam packed and it will never let up. "Let's just get through Christmas then things will slow down" I would say. Then it was the kids birthdays, and now into summer there is something going on every weekend. I know everyone deals with this, I just haven't found a good way of handling it yet.
Last Tuesday I went to Dr Pham's. I was in need of a fill big time because I haven't lost weight in weeks and I was always hungry. He wasn't very pleased with me. He wanted to fill me with .5ccs but I wouldn't let him. I insisted on only .25ccs since last time he had to remove .5 in order for me to be able to eat without pain. Bryan thinks I need to be where I was before I had some taken out, and the problem is "all mental" as he says. This makes me want to punch him right I between those beautiful blue eyes of his. I don't appreciate his oppinion on this, but it turns out that the .25 wasn't enough. All week I've been over eating because I'm hungry every two hours. So tomorrow I go back up for some more. If you are waiting for me to say he was right, you'll be here all night. It's not mental... I don't know what it is.
This last fill sucked! Usually it's a stick of a needle and I'm out of there but not this time. He poked and prodded for over 5 minutes all while pushing on my abdomin which hurts the worst. My port has shifted. The port is suctured inside the muscle and my muscles are changing. Because of this, my port is now slightly slanted. Basically this means he can't just stick the needle in anymore, he has to try to move it from the outside and it blows. He said eventually the port could totally flip over which would mean minor surgery to fix it. I'm hoping we don't get there. Next time I'm requesting that he numbs me.
He asked how many calories I was eating. I said 1000 which means 1200-1500 for realz. He was totally disappointed. He insisted at 600 again. I'm like "are you sure? Cuz I am super active now, I'm not just a fat chick being fat like I used to be. My thighs and calfs are getting solid and I'm building muscle" and it was at this point when I really insulted him I think. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful dr and really nice, but I the fat person, think I know better. So again, as he often does, he brought me back down to earth. "You are not other people. 2oz of food at a time. If you are still hungry after the 20 minutes it should take you to ear that, have 2 more oz. that's it." He said with frustration in his voice. "You have got to be eating a ton of carbs" ya got that right Doc! Peeps, Cadbury Eggs, Peanut Butter Eggs and grilled cheese sandwiches to be exact. So needless to say, he is right.
I'll give a derby update since most people in my life still can't believe I'm doing this. I have finally learned to let go! I have let go of the fear which has been holding me back big time. I used to be terrified to scrimmage or practice with my own team. It's all gone. Don't get me wrong, I still get fucked up, as long as I can see straight I keep going. Now I'm working on getting back up quickly, and knowing where to be. I have become more confident in my ability, not cocky for those who expect that from me, but confident. I'm going to be a good fucking blocker someday! Ok so maybe that was cocky, but its the truth. I've been so hung up on what other teammates think of me that I've become paranoid and I have quickly learned to knock it off. Truth is they probably don't have an opinion about me, and if they do I'll strive to prove them wrong. Bryan told me "if you are going to mess up when you are out there, mess up 100%. That way you had an intention and a plan and you went for it. If it was the wrong move you will learn and not do it again. But if you are trying to think about things and doubting yourself when you are out there you aren't doing anyone any good. You are slowing everyone down." I will listen to Mr I went to college for free because of football. His advice is welcomed here.
Speaking of Mr. Right, I want to point out the fact that he is down 95lbs. The other night we were talking about out weight loss. He was feeling down, as we still do. He said he still felt like a fat guy when he looked in the mirror. I understand that feeling. He has been getting a bunch of complements but not from certain people who he was hoping would notice. I k ow that feeling too. When people ask him what he did to lose weight he tells them "I had surgery, and I go to the gym 5 days a week". They immediately get weird and walk away. Tough shit I say. These surgeries saved our lives and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I quickly pulled up some pics for him so that he could be reminded of what once was.
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| And now, let's have a look back! |
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| Two Years Ago |
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| Last Summer. Me Petting a horse, or donkey.. whatever it was it ended up sneezing on me which is way worse than a kid sneezing on you. Look at how WIDE I was! | |
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| About 1 year ago. Notice how low my gunt was. That was a big wake up call for me. |
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| This past October |
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| 6 months ago day after surgery |
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| LAST MONTH!!!! Yay Daddy! |
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** I PROMISE TO POST A RECENT PIC OF ME. I'M WAITING FOR MY DERBY JERSEY TO COME IN BECAUSE DERBY IS A BIG PART OF THE NEW ME**
