Weigh In Day- Up 3lbs

This week was very emotional, and I seemed to cry a lot. I guess it started last Friday with the CT shooting. It did something to me, I guess you could say it depressed me because part of me shut down completely. Thankfully we don't have cable anymore (can't believe we've survived 2 years on netflix and hulu), so I didn't have to see it broadcasted everywhere. I did watch some of it online and it was just too much. There was and is no escaping it though. I live on facebook and my friends are constantly posting or "liking" photos of those poor dead babies and teachers, I wonder when it will end.

On top of that, I got my period which is always depressing anyway. Not that we're trying to conceive or anything because I can say surely that those days are over.. it's just a pain in the ass and any woman reading this knows why. So with the emotions and hormone imbalance come the sugar cravings. Sugar, sugar, SUGAR! I ate another box of chocolate the other night.. by myself. It was a gift for someone else, under my tree and it was even wrapped. I unwrapped it and ate it. "Really?" Bryan had the balls to ask me. REALLY!

The week building up to my period is a train wreck. I get SO HUNGRY! Particularly at night, I'm looking for something chocolaty to put in my face. I've been over eating as well.. I forget that I have this band implanted inside of me, restricting what goes down my food pipe and I just shove the food in. What the hell am I doing?! I've had to throw my food up a few times this week because it's got NOWHERE to go. It's an awful experience, and I know better.

Bryan is depressed too. He hasn't lost in a month and it's VERY difficult to accept after you've removed 80% of your stomach. Tonight we watched a documentary on netflix called "Hungry for Change". It's one of those really good films about how we are all abusing our bodies; what to put into our system; what to STOP putting into our system; how to live better. We usually watch these and get really inspired and start changing our habits for a week or two then say "forget it, pass the wine and diet soda." This one was different. It was an "a-ha" moment for me, as Oprah would say.. although she is still fat so I hate to use her an example. This touched on the emotional aspect of over-eating, and bad eating habits.. which is something Bryan and I try to ignore. The film was interviewing a used to be 400lb man, and showing his new 6 pack body. I looked at Bryan and asked "Can you imagine?! Really, can you see that being you?" and he sadly shook his head and answered "no". I feel the same way about myself. I can't imagine myself looking good. I just don't believe it could be true for me. I don't know why really.. and I certainly don't know why Bryan feels that way. He grew up in a happy, healthy home and was pumped full of self esteem his entire life. So I guess, me blaming my up bringing isn't so valid. I believe in him. He has to believe in himself... and I have to believe in myself.

One of my "a-ha" moments in the film was when they said we need to change the way we think. I've known this but I haven't been able to do it. When you tell yourself, "I CAN'T have this" it becomes what you want. Instead, tell yourself, "I can have this, but I don't WANT it."

In the film, they also suggested looking yourself in the mirror every day and telling yourself why you're good enough.. which of course only made me think of one thing...