Weigh In Day- Up 3lbs

This week was very emotional, and I seemed to cry a lot. I guess it started last Friday with the CT shooting. It did something to me, I guess you could say it depressed me because part of me shut down completely. Thankfully we don't have cable anymore (can't believe we've survived 2 years on netflix and hulu), so I didn't have to see it broadcasted everywhere. I did watch some of it online and it was just too much. There was and is no escaping it though. I live on facebook and my friends are constantly posting or "liking" photos of those poor dead babies and teachers, I wonder when it will end.

On top of that, I got my period which is always depressing anyway. Not that we're trying to conceive or anything because I can say surely that those days are over.. it's just a pain in the ass and any woman reading this knows why. So with the emotions and hormone imbalance come the sugar cravings. Sugar, sugar, SUGAR! I ate another box of chocolate the other night.. by myself. It was a gift for someone else, under my tree and it was even wrapped. I unwrapped it and ate it. "Really?" Bryan had the balls to ask me. REALLY!

The week building up to my period is a train wreck. I get SO HUNGRY! Particularly at night, I'm looking for something chocolaty to put in my face. I've been over eating as well.. I forget that I have this band implanted inside of me, restricting what goes down my food pipe and I just shove the food in. What the hell am I doing?! I've had to throw my food up a few times this week because it's got NOWHERE to go. It's an awful experience, and I know better.

Bryan is depressed too. He hasn't lost in a month and it's VERY difficult to accept after you've removed 80% of your stomach. Tonight we watched a documentary on netflix called "Hungry for Change". It's one of those really good films about how we are all abusing our bodies; what to put into our system; what to STOP putting into our system; how to live better. We usually watch these and get really inspired and start changing our habits for a week or two then say "forget it, pass the wine and diet soda." This one was different. It was an "a-ha" moment for me, as Oprah would say.. although she is still fat so I hate to use her an example. This touched on the emotional aspect of over-eating, and bad eating habits.. which is something Bryan and I try to ignore. The film was interviewing a used to be 400lb man, and showing his new 6 pack body. I looked at Bryan and asked "Can you imagine?! Really, can you see that being you?" and he sadly shook his head and answered "no". I feel the same way about myself. I can't imagine myself looking good. I just don't believe it could be true for me. I don't know why really.. and I certainly don't know why Bryan feels that way. He grew up in a happy, healthy home and was pumped full of self esteem his entire life. So I guess, me blaming my up bringing isn't so valid. I believe in him. He has to believe in himself... and I have to believe in myself.

One of my "a-ha" moments in the film was when they said we need to change the way we think. I've known this but I haven't been able to do it. When you tell yourself, "I CAN'T have this" it becomes what you want. Instead, tell yourself, "I can have this, but I don't WANT it."

In the film, they also suggested looking yourself in the mirror every day and telling yourself why you're good enough.. which of course only made me think of one thing...

Weigh-In Day... Hooray!!!

Last week was disappointing but this week was NOT. Down 4lbs! I'm feeling like I'm back on track, but I still have to stay strong through the holidays!

In a Funk

It's funny, last week I didn't look at the scale at all, instead I looked in the miror. I liked what I saw. I felt great, my clothes were big, and I was getting complements. Then I went to weigh in Friday and saw that I gained 2lbs. I already talked about this when I blogged Friday, so I won't dwell on it but it's just amazing how quickly your self image can change. This week I've been depressed and feeling like shit. I feel as fat as I did when I started even though I know that's not the case.

Bryan hasn't been losing like he should either, but it's no fault of his own. I watch him eat, and he eats much less than I do. After a few bites he has to stop so he doesn't get sick. He is eating his protein, yet not seeing the results he should. He is frustrated and I feel bad for him. The Dr. was shocked that he hasn't lost more. It's been about 3 weeks where he is at a stand still. Now that he is completely healed from surgery he can get active so we are both focusing on that. It has to be a way of life for us. I think the problem with him, more than myself is that since he is only eating 600cal/day his body is wondering "what the F7$# is happening?!" and his metabolism is shutting down. Usually most people just lose and lose for the first year without even trying with his surgery. Mine is a much slower process and takes work every day. I hope he see's some changes quickly because it's very hard emotionally, especially after dealing with such a physical change. He is having to order all new clothes.. SMALLER clothes so that's a positive!

Mean while, my food has been getting stuck left and right. Usually once or twice a day it gets stuck. I'm still not able to throw it up when that happens, lord knows I've tried. It passes eventually but for those few minutes I'm in so much pain. I need to SLOW DOWN and chew everything better. I STILL haven't changed the way I eat.. I think I can just inhale something and I can't.

We have been going to parties every weekend for over a month... and they continue for the next few weeks. We really need to limit the alcohol, not drink our calories, and lay off all of the really good party food! Wish us luck!

Weigh In Day.. not so great

Well, today I weighed in at 234lbs. I gained 2lbs, which isn't surprising, yet is still disappointing. I ate an entire box of chocolates yesterday, and drake a bottle of wine this week for no reason. I've also over ate a few times. I haven't worked out and I haven't tracked my food, so there you have it.

Time to get back on track.

Feeling Good

Quick update just to touch base. Things are going well.. still restricted. Food is still getting stuck from time to time when I don't slow down. Not hungry much. Gunt is getting smaller every day, and clothes are getting bigger. I'm finally not over-eating to the point of hating myself. Bryan is looking good! I'll weigh in friday.. this is the first week that I haven't checked the scale during the week so I'll be curious to see where I'm at.

How I used to feel.. 

Finally Restricted!

Weigh In day- 232lbs yay! I'm almost out of the 230's which is amazing since I started in the high 250's. I was around 225 when we got married, and before I had kids so that is my short term goal for now. Then I'll strive for under 200 (which was collage days) and so on.

I'm REALLY feeling the restriction which is a GOOD thing! I can't eat more than half cup of food at a time, otherwise I'll pay for it. The feeling of it getting stuck is awful. I just had some crackers and dip and after 3 that was it.. I could feel the food getting backed up. My brain wanted more. I wanted to sit and finish all of the dip but I couldn't. That is what I'm getting used to this week. My brain being told "NO! Knock it off!"  by my band.

It's not easy but I'm learning what is comfortable and what is over doing it.

STUCK

Today was rough. I either have the stomach flu or am having a gluten reaction. I've been in the bathroom or in bed all day. Around 2pm I tried to eat something. I made a Lean Cuisine -stir fry, and took a bite of the chicken, and it got stuck. I didn't chew it enough. It hurt like a son of a bitch, and I started to panic a little. It felt like something was trying to rip through my chest. I tried to vomit it up but it wouldn't come up. After a few minutes of walking around it seemed to go down. Happened again, and I had to sip some water to flush it down. That sucked. I guess my fill is working, I need to take smaller bites and chew, chew, chew.

Second Fill

Today I went for my second fill. He ended up putting 1.5 cc's in for a total of 3.5. He reminded me that my weight loss will NOT be like Bryan's. He said I should be striving for 1-2lbs a week (which is just about where I'm at now) not 3-5lbs. I feel fine. Haven't really tried to eat more than cottage cheese. My BMI is now at 41% down from 45.5%

I took a pic of the band he had in his exam room.. weird to think all of this is in me.

Weigh In Day.. a few days late

I've been so bad about keeping up with my blog lately and I'm not happy about it. With the holidays here I've been racing around non stop. No more excuses.

Friday was my weigh in day and I was at 234! Yahoo! The week before I had partied like a rock star and somehow I still managed to lose 2lbs. Tomorrow I'm going for my second fill. I wasn't supposed to get filled until the 11th but I can't see the point in waiting that long when I only have 2cc's in me now.

I'm seeing changes every day and it's exciting! I've started tracking my measurements again.

                           Bust/Chest    Waist    Hip         Butt       Upper Thigh
Date of Surgery:       48.5           43       52        59.25            31
Today :                    46.75         40      50.5       57.5          30.25

Slacking

I had a very busy (yet awesome) weekend so I'm very behind on my blog. Last Friday was weigh in day and I was at 236lbs, which was only a 1lb loss. I thought it was more but I was wrong. Since my first fill I haven't had much restriction at all. I called the Dr and have an appointment for Nov 27th to get another fill. I was supposed to have it done on Dec 11th but I don't want to wait that long. I've been frustrated lately and I'm really trying to tell myself to relax. If I can maintain a 1-2lb loss weekly, that would be pretty great.

My BFF was in town from CA this past weekend and boy did we celebrate! I really don't think I over ate much, but what I did eat, wasn't the healthiest of options and I did drink alcohol. The Dr told us to wait a year and come on... that's just not realistic. I didn't drink much, but I did expect it to affect me more than it did. I though for sure that I would get drunk quickly.. I didn't. That was disappointing. I was really hoping I would be able to save some money and calories when it comes to alcohol, but now I'm really going to have to discipline myself. I didn't track any of my food this weekend. I have to get back into that. I've been slacking, and I have my period so I don't feel motivated to do anything but lay on the couch and eat chocolate.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day, I felt awful today.

Frustrated

      Tomorrow will be 5 weeks post op. I'm feeling frustrated with scale. I've never been the type to weigh myself regularly. I used to gauge my weight gain or loss by my clothes and how they fit. Since I've started this journey, the scale has been a daily stop and it's pretty depressing. I'm eating on average 700cal/ day and MAYBE losing 1-2 lbs a week... if I'm lucky. I've been hovering around the 240 range for 3 weeks now. Even after my fill, I'm not seeing a difference in my restriction. I'm NOT waiting another 4 weeks to be filled. I'm calling the Dr. tomorrow to see if they will fill me after thanksgiving.. and yes I'm waiting until after on purpose. My husband reminds me that I am PMSing and that may contribute to my feelings.. true.

Self Control, and Self Motivation

     A few days after my fill and the weight is starting to come off again, which is encouraging. Having only 2cc's really doesn't feel restrictive at all. Here and there I'll feel tight, but over all I think I can still over eat if I let myself. I'm really having to control myself, stop eating before I'm full, and remember to drink my water. It's having to retrain yourself on everything. It's not easy. I track my food on myfitnesspal.com which is an easy way to keep myself in check. Below is what I had for dinner. Bryan and I now only eat on our small plates. I eat the protein first, then veggie, then carb. I had to stop and couldn't finish my potato or carrots.

I've started exercising again. I like to do Just Dance at home. I have 1-4 and they are all tons of fun! They have a Just Sweat section that really makes you work hard. I recommend it for sure. Also I'm at the gym a couple days a week doing weights.

Weigh In day & First Fill!

     Yesterday was weigh in day and I'm back down to 237. I was up 4lbs last week. The numbers on the scale have been very frustrating. The good news is that I unexpectedly got my first fill yesterday!  I was at Bryan's follow up appointment with him yesterday, and they asked me if I wanted my fill then rather than waiting 2 weeks. I'm 4 weeks post op and I wasn't not having any restriction so of course I said YES!  I didn't know what to expect and was trying not to be nervous.
      They had me lay down on the table and my Dr. felt around for my port by pushing on my abdomen. That was probably the most painful part of it really. He had me do a small sit up to tighten up my abdomen and better expose the port sight. Then I looked as he grabbed the needle. It looked like a long narrow tube. He put it in with a poke, and I could feel it pop into the port. Then he then put 2cc's of saline in which was a weird feeling, and that was it. It was just a poke really. He said the average person needs 6cc's or so, but he wants to fill me 2 at a time since I live 1.5hrs away. I felt really tight right after. I tried to have cottage cheese and it just sat there in my pouch and was very uncomfortable.  I'm supposed to be back on liquids for a couple days. I'm excited for more weight loss. My next fill is Dec 11th. I'm hoping that by having two fills before Christmas I'll be able to reach my goal of 217 by New Years.

Oops

Well I'm a little over 3 weeks post op and I totally gained 4lbs. I'm not happy about it, but as always I know exactly how it happened. Since my stomach has healed, and isn't swollen anymore, I've had NO RESTRICTION. I could eat and eat and eat right now if I wanted to. I've worked on my portions being small but I'm eating too frequently during the day... oh yeah, and the ice cream cake probably didn't help.

I'm still seeing changes in my body however, which is encouraging. I have to keep reminding myself that this is going to be a long process. Unlike Bryan, I won't look like a different person over night. I need to stay focused, and not compare myself to others. I had an appointment with a trainer today to show me what I should be doing at the gym. Now I know what I need to do, and having confidence in the gym is key.

Bryan is a few days shy of 1week post op. HE LOOKS AWESOME! He went from a 4X to 2X... seriously. He's wearing clothes that he hasn't worn in 2-3 years. I'm not sure our changes are noticeable to others, like they are to each other. I know my husbands body VERY well, as he does mine, and so I notice every little change. The other day he pointed out that my ass has flattened out a bunch. You have no idea how good that felt. I've noticed it, but to hear someone else notice makes it all real.

The pics below are pics I make my husband take of me so I can see the changes for myself. I know others may still look at these and think "so what?" but I know there is a difference. I can't wait to get a fill so I can feel the restriction that I felt right after surgery. Right now my band is completely open and it's as if I didn't even have surgery.. well that's how it feels at least.

Nice Face! Day of surgery!

3 Weeks Post Op!

Mingia

 

 

                                                                         Brick House!

 

 

Over Eating

Three weeks ago yesterday I was banded. I'm feeling pretty good over all. I'm back to eating regular foods which is nice, but dangerous. Because my stomach is no longer swollen, and my band is open all the way I'm able to eat large portions, without getting sick. Last night I went to dinner with my girlfriends at Red Lobster and I over ate. I ate a serving of asparagus, about 3 oz of chicken breast, 4 scallops, and about a table spoon of mashed potatoes. I also had 1/3 of a biscuit. I didn't feel sick, just really full and uncomfortable afterwords. I'm really looking forward to a fill so that I won't be able to do this. Even though that's probably a good portion for most, I need to be around 600 cal/ day until I reach my goal weight. That sounds impossible but it's normal with the band. So it's nice to have the freedom back again to eat what I want, but I'm still a fat girl at heart and I really need to watch it until I get my fill.

My husband had the gastric sleeve procedure yesterday. He is doing well, not in pain.. although unlike when I was here three weeks ago, he gets a morphine pump. The incisions aren't a big deal, the pain is all internal, much like my procedure. We are waiting for Dr. Pham to come in and give him the OK to go home. He will be off work for a week, and has to be very careful not to over do it when it comes to eating and drinking because his remaining stomach is stapled back together, and he doesn't want to pop one out of place.

Many people we know think we're nuts I'm sure. I've had people ask me "Don't you think just diet and exercise would work?". That makes me laugh every time. The idea of it would, but after battling it for 10+ years each, and getting fatter every year, obviously it's not going to work. What many healthy people don't understand is that after you've overloaded your body like we have, it is incredibly painful to exercise. I'm not talking, it's hard, I don't want to do it. I mean literally getting out of bed, or walking up stairs is awfully painful. Our feet, ankles, knees, hips.. awful. I knew I needed surgery when it because excruciating to take a walk around my neighborhood. But those days are over for us. As the weight comes off on it's on with the help from our surgeries, we won't feel that pain that prevented us from being able to work out. The biggest factor in all of this is the will to succeed.

I Can Feel My Port!

Coming up on 3 weeks post op. The weight loss has come to a screeching halt this past week, but I'm still seeing changes in my body. The biggest thing I've noticed is that I can feel my port! I noticed this today, as I tried to bend down and pick something up. It was a little tender. I felt my abdomen, just to the right of my port scar and there it was! I wondered if it would be hard to find when they try to fill it, but I don't think that will be a problem. For some reason I didn't expect this, and it creeps me out. I've lost that layer of fat in my belly so I guess that's why it's so easy to feel.

I've started to eat more of a regular diet. I'm just eating really small portions and chewing like crazy. I don't get my fill until Nov 16th, and I'm really looking forward to it. I don't feel restricted right now, but I'm also only hungry a few times a day.

Stuck

Well my weigh in day was yesterday, and there has been no change since I posted Wednesday. I've lost nothing in the past three days. I'm assuming its because I've been incorporating food back into my diet. I'm still having no more than 500cal a day. I'm betting if I had more protein in my diet I would start losing again. I haven't been getting in all the protein I should.

Feeling good. Back to work, back to picking up my kids and swinging them around. Still getting that shoulder pain once in a while.

Food!

Today I had my first meal that wasn't liquid! Scrambled egg with low fat cheese and 1 turkey sausage. It was good but I couldn't finish everything on my plate, and it was weird chewing every piece 30 times.

I'm going to make Friday's my weigh in day. It will be good motivation for me to stay strong during the weekends.

Time for Work!

Twenty pounds down from the start of this journey!! Twenty pounds is a LOT for most, but for me it's just the beginning. None the less, it feels good! To those who see me all the time, I may not look that different, but I absolutely notice the differences. My legs are thinner, and I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in almost a year. My love handles have shrunk, and my gunt is much smaller! That is usually the first thing to shrink up! For those who don't know what I'm talking about:
Gunt: 1). noun.
A protruding sack of fat which extends from the lower abdomen to the upper genital area (gut+cunt=gunt).

I'm moving into the mushy food stage. I'm not sure exactly what that is, I'll have to research. I've been doing well with fat free cottage cheese and baked potato's. No problems getting them down, or keeping them down.  

I'm trying to focus on my protein and water intake.. I know i'm not getting enough. I'm drinking my liquids in my wine glasses because it's my favorite way to drink. It helps me sip them rather than gulp.

I'm feeling good, and it's time to get to work. I need to get to the gym and get into a routine. I'm NOT going back. The 20lbs that are off are 20lbs I will never see on this body again, but that's only going to happen if I work for it. The band will help me to gradually lose the weight, but if I want the weight to come off consistently, and stay off I need to make the life style change. I'll be getting a trainer this week at the new gym I joined. I'll be forcing myself to get up at 4am and go to the gym. Yes I'm serious. It's the only time I'll have in the day to do it. It's going to suck big time at first but I'll get there.

PS.. I can't believe I posted a pic of my incisions. Every time I see that I cringe.

1+ Week Post Op

Day 10 after my surgery and I'm feeling 98% normal! I'm able to sleep normally, (which for me is all over the place) eat and drink without discomfort, pain, or more importantly, fear.
Today's menu:
1/2 cup buffalo chicken soup .. that was stupid. Immediate heart burn, but nothing two tums couldn't fix. I left the chicken and just sipped the broth.
1/2 cup of sugar free jello
1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese.

Back to work this week.

Support

Today is the first day that I feel normal again! (Post Op day 6) I woke up, sleeping on my stomach without aches and pains! I've had an entire day without pain meds, which is always a good feeling. Today I was able to have 1 protein shake, half for breakfast, and half for dinner. I also had some soup, Gatorade, and Italian ice. 

Tonight I went to a support group in Randolph, that my surgeon's office has organized for our are. Bryan wasn't able to leave work to go so it was just me. I wasn't sure what to expect. This was the first time this group was meeting down here. When I walked in I was totally pumped to see my Dr. sitting there! I had no expectations of him coming down from Buffalo for this, but it was so comforting! He really REALLY cares about his patients. He will do the liver reduction diet now and then, to be reminded of what his patients go through, he even eats like his banded patients, chewing everything 30 times etc.. Tonight there were three of us, the other two were both gastric bypass patients. I was a little bummed out because I really was hoping there were some banded people there. There is a difference between myself and someone who has had the sleeve, or bypass. I want to know what it's like to have their band filled, how full they have it, what it feels like to get something stuck in your band.. stuff like that. 

What I took away from tonight was hope. These people were in their 60's and have had their surgeries within the past year, and were down 100lbs. You would never have know they were over weight. The woman said "One day, I could cross my legs! It just happened! I haven't been able to do that in years".. neither have I. The man said " I can now bend down and touch the ground" as he demonstrated. It seems so basic, and it IS.. but those are the little things that as a fat person you can't do, and they drain your spirit daily. I can't wait for those little things. 

This is a pic of my incisions. After much thought I decided to just post it. It's not pretty, but neither is me in a bathing suit and everyone at Warren Pool sees that so what's the difference? One thing I will say is, to newly expecting mothers.. use the Palmers Cocoa Butter.. I ignored it and you can see what you get when you do that.  Anyway, I guess he typically makes 5 incisions because everyone who checked me in the hospital was shocked that there were only 4. On the upper left, you can see a little mark where I think he started to make a cut and then changed his mind. Anyway, the far lower right is where my port is implanted, just under the skin. That is where he will use a syringe to inject saline into the band (when I'm hungry and not losing weight as I should) or take saline out (when I'm too full to eat and can't keep food down). The goal is to find a perfect amount in your band, but that takes time. I'll go to him once a month and get my fills.. or not.. depending on how it goes. 


I took this from "The Lapband Gal's" Blog. It's a good one, you should follow her! I'm somewhere in between a bald eagle and 10 dozen large eggs.




It's all about perspective! (stole this idea from the lapband forum at obesityhelp.com)
Your weight loss =

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11½!)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’ 4½!)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

For example, a loss of 128 pounds means you’ve lost almost a newborn giraffe, or:
(10) dozen large eggs
(4) dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
(2) Chihuahuas
(2) Guinea pigs
(1) elephant penis
(1) average 2-year-old
(1) human head
(1) rack baby back ribs

The Nights are the Worst

      Post Op day 4 and I'm hungry!!! The swelling in my stomach must be down because the pain has lessened and I'm actually hungry. I'm still on the pain meds because I'm miserable without them. i now have acid reflux which is new, I'm hoping this goes awaybecauseits very painful! I'm still eating next to nothing since i fill up quickly. today i had:

1/4 cup protein shake
1/4 cup ckn broth
4oz italian ice
1 cup water

I'm down 8lbs since day of surgery. my husband is having a steak for dinner. (live it up!) I'm cranky and still full of gas. I'm craving beef stew or chili... not happening. Bryan has been great, super helpful as always. Im not one of those obnoxious people who brags about their husband for show, he really, truly, is amazing. My kitchen has been spottless and all of the laundry is put away all while keeping the kids fed and happy.

Bed time is approaching and im dreading it. i wake up crying from the pain every  night. my c-sections weren't this bad. I'm making some progress since im an hr past med time and im not feeling like i need it. Hoping for more progress tomorrow.

Burps, and Farts, and Diarrhea Oh My!

      As you can tell by the title, in this post I'll be talking about the not so glamorous truths to recovery. Just as a reminder, this blog is not intended for entertainment purposes. I'm doing this so others going through this, or considering it can hear a real perspective on it.  Sorry if it grosses anyone out.. well actually, no I'm not.
      So here I am, Post Op day 2. Last night and this morning were NOT fun. I went to bed in tears last night because the gas pains were so bad. Both shoulders, and my abdomen were just full of gas and I had a really hard time dealing with the pain. I ended up taking an Ativan and passing out eventually with heating pads all over my body. This morning I woke up to a lot of pressure in my chest. Every swallow hurt. The gas pains were still there. I spent the morning curled up, sitting up on the couch, leaning over two large pillows, while Bryan tried to rub the gas out of me for HOURS. My neck, all the way down to my lower back... and when it worked, and it came out, he lovingly looked at me and would say "Oh good!" because he knew how much pain I was in. That's love folks. The entire time I was reminded that in two weeks I will be doing the same for him. I'm worried about him and his surgery. If I hurt this much from just having the band placed around my stomach, how is he going to feel after having 85% of his removed entirely? I'm REALLY worried about him. I know he's a tough guy and all, but still.
      I'm still not hungry. Sipping on warm liquids help. What I've had today:
 
1/4 cup of chicken broth- who knew chicken broth would taste so good!
1/4 cup of decaff coffee.
4oz cup of italian ice
1 cup of gatorade
1 cup of water

..and that's about it. I know I need to have more fluids going in me (64oz/day), but only being able to sip 1oz every 15 min is tough. It's just hard to get used to. I LOVE me some sugar free jello but it hurts like hell going down, so I've had to stay away from that. I'll start protein shakes in a few days I guess. Right now I have to focus on staying hydrated.

The gas has now turned into diarrhea. I went from dying for relieve to having to really use my better judgment and run to the bathroom! Sounds fun right? They said this would happen.. for a while. I took a shower and changed my bandages tonight. The incisions really don't hurt at all which is impressive. I can push on them and poke at them and they don't hurt. Everything is still internal and up near my stomach as far as pain. I'm surprised my port doesn't hurt more. I wonder what it will be like to get my first fill.

Because I've had so much discomfort today I was searching the net for forums and you tube videos of others who experienced this. It was really hard to find people talking about this stuff. Search engines would pull up medical sites.. which I don't want. I want to hear from actual people and find out if they are trying to fart and not shit themselves too. I came across some video's on you tube of women who obviously haven't experienced any surgery before. I couldn't even watch them.. they were whiny women talking about how they thought they were dying. So I guess I'll just figure this out on my own. I'll just take this one day at a time. I'll probably sleep sitting up tonight as I did for my naps. It's really the best way right now. I'm going to focus on drinking more liquids tomorrow, and I look forward to the rumbles in my stomach going away soon!

1 Day Post Op

      I'm banded! I can't believe it's in.. well I can believe it, considering the discomfort I'm in. My surgery was at noon yesterday, I was discharged around 10am today. This surgery was the nastiest as far as the immediate effects. Don't get me wrong, my c-sections were MUCH worse as far as healing, but this is totally different. The nausea was unreal! Normally I have a little of that from the anesthesia, but this was because of the band around my stomach. The Dr warned me about swelling around the stomach and that's what I'm feeling. The pain isn't terrible. I have 4 little incisions that I can't even feel, even the one around my port. Like I said, the discomfort is all inside.. every sip of liquid I take I can feel it going into my little swollen pouch.
      Anyone who has had abdominal surgery knows that the worst part is the day or so after when you're waiting to fart. Yeah, I said it.. waiting to fart! I've never wanted to fart so bad in my life! The gas that is pushing it's way through my body is VERY painful. Once this passes.. literally, I'll be feeling good. I'm certainly not hungry yet. I'm sipping 1oz of liquid every 10-15 minutes.. or at least I should be. I've been sleeping so much that I forget to drink like I should. For now I'm on clear liquids still for a few days which sounds like tourcher, but when you're stomach hurts like it does, you really don't miss food.. not yet anyway.
      I feel differently already. I'm so aware of my pouch. If I start to drink too much to fast I feel it... If I burp, I really feel it. I have to really remember that I can't just shove something down my throat. I started to suck on hard (sugar free of course) candy because I have awful dry mouth, and I quickly started to chew it and swallow it without even thinking. I can't do stuff like that anymore. It's nice to be home, and I'm TRYING to enjoy this time with no household responsibility but it's not that easy. Of course I can't just sit back and let Bryan handle it, I have to point out how I can do it better, or easier.. I may do us all a favor and sedate myself and go to bed.

Here are my before pictures. I can't believe I'm posting these either but why not? I'll never be back here again. Good Lord they aren't pretty.. but here I am, the morning of surgery!

Commitment

      I'm a few days into the liver reduction diet and it's not bad. It's not really a "liquid" diet as it's advertised to be. I'm having 2 protein shakes a day (roughly 230 cal each) and a high protein meal.. oh yeah, and sugar free jello.. LOTS of Jello. I've had some treats here and there too. I'm not hungry which is nice, but I'm cranky.. VERY cranky. It's the mental part that is the hardest. I'm used to snacking especially at night, and I just can't, and it pisses me off.


      I was watching The Real Housewives of NJ reunion (I love those crazy bitches) and Lauren Manzo (picture below) was on, showing off her new body thanks to her band. She looks awesome, but what I took away from her interview was more than just her looks. She said what made her decide to get the band was that she had become a miserable person. She wasn't happy about anything and wasn't happy for anyone. I can relate to that big time. A big reason I'm doing this for that reason. "I just want you to be happy again" my husband tells me often. I'm not saying losing weight will fix all of my problems, but I know for sure it will alleviate the pain from my daily battles with this body.
       What I also took away from that interview was that how big the stigma of weight loss surgery is. That dumb broad Teressa, of course had to point out that Lauren should have "worked hard" and that she "heard the weight comes back with the Lap-band". 

Let me be clear about something: The Lap-Band is not a cure for obesity. It is not a guarantee that you will be skinny forever, or even at all. If that were the case I bet most of Americans would have it put in. It's simply a tool to help control your hunger.  If I were to "do it the right way" as I used to say, and lose the 100lbs by dieting and exercising alone, there is still the same chance I would gain it back.  I know that I will be under a microscope since I've announced that I'm doing this, and that people will be analyzing whether or not I look like I'm gaining weight back. It's motivation for me. It's what I need. Will I lose weight and gain some back? Probably. This band takes commitment, just like anything else. For me, traveling to Buffalo every month to get a fill is one of the commitments, but more importantly, not cheating the system... because just like anything, there is always way to cheat the system. 

        Ya know the saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? I believe in that.. accept It's been so long that I forgot what it tastes like.. 10 years is a long time.  I've got to get a taste of that again. 

Jumping Through Hoops

      I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. there is nothing easy about this. In order to have the Lap-band procedure, you must first jump through many hoops. Let's start by talking about what the lap-band is: 


How It Works - LAP-BAND® Surgery is the process of placing a prosthesis known as the LAP-BAND® around the upper stomach to create a smaller stomach pouch that in turn limits the amount of food an individual can fit into their stomach. The procedure itself is minimally invasive as lap band surgeons enter the stomach region via small incisions and use surgical instruments to insert the LAP-BAND®. The main reason for having the surgery performed is so that the individual having it done will not only lose weight but keep the weight off as well. This is a new method that is recommended for those individuals who experience morbid obesity and have tried to lose the weight but have failed in their attempts to lose the weight and keep it off.


By decreasing the size of the stomach pouch, individuals will be able to eat to a certain point and then they will be full. Individuals feel full much more quickly as their stomach is a smaller size than what it was prior to the surgery. After lap band surgery, eating habits will change and individuals will follow lap band diet guidelines. In addition, the LAP-BAND® creates a small stomach outlet which significantly slows down the emptying process from the stomach into the intestines. Both of these factors act together in order to aid the individual in their weight loss goals.


*Source - http://www.aboutlapbandsurgery.info/




























































  So, get the idea? Seems simple enough right? Not quite. This will be covered under my insurance policy because I'm "morbidly obese", (BMI 47%) even though I don't have other health issues such as high BP or elevated cholesterol.. yet. In order to get the surgery approved for surgery you must go through the following steps:

Initial consultation with surgeon: This was done on August 8, 2012 with Dr. Pham. I went with him because he is who my husband chose to do his procedure. (I forgot to mention that my husband will also be having surgery, but not lapband. We are going through this journey together, however he is not as out spoken as me so this blog is about my journey not so much his) Here we talked about the 3 available procedures, lapband, gastric sleeve, and gastric bi-pas, and the differences. They took my initial weigh in amount (260lbs) and it was a number I had never seen on a scale before . Not even 9 months pregnant did I weigh that much. I knew exactly how I had gotten there but it's still never easy to see. 
Seminar: You are required to attend one seminar which I did the same day as my consultation. The seminar was let by Dr. Pham and was basically a power point version of the consultation we had. We sat in a room with other obese people and frankly it was depressing. Most people there were much larger than me, however I felt their pain. We were all so pitiful.. so fat that we were uncomfortable sitting there in the chairs, feeling stuffed from our stomach rolls. Needless to say I couldn't wait to get out of there. 
Nutrition Consultation: August 14th- This was a bit of a joke. We went to the Dietitian at our local hospital who was rumored to be bulimic. She was skin and bones and looked like a skeleton, so it was hard to take anything she said seriously. She didn't say much though. She basically filled out the required paperwork and sent us on our way. She didn't talk at all about the pre or post-op diet. She had nothing to offer us. 
Psych Eval: August 27th- Another necessary hoop to jump through that was pointless. The woman we went to had no personality. Bryan and I had separate appointments yet had the same response.  She treated us as if we were in the principles office. We felt like we were in trouble. She asked us the questions off of the form she had and I guess we weren't crazy enough since she passed us. 
5% Weight Loss: This sucked a fat one. In order to qualify for lapband you have to lose 5% of your body weight which for me was around 13lbs. I did it by September 6th. I started drinking Herbalife shakes two to three times a day and that wasn't so bad. I lost but there were a lot of social events during that time frame which made it hard. This process was a good reminder of why I was doing the surgery. 
2 Week Liver Reduction Diet: September 27th I started the liquid diet. It's not easy.. I slipped up already. I'm doing the shakes again which is OK because you're really not hungry, but really it's mind over matter. When I'm curled up on the couch watching a movie I want to put food in my mouth, but instead I have to sip on water. That is the hardest part.. training your mind to not want food but need it. 

So October 11th is the date things will change. They say I'll be on liquids for another 2-3 weeks after surgery which I'm not looking forward to. When they told me that I couldn't have alcohol for a year after I almost fell out of my chair. I was NOT counting on that! Also no more pop or gum.. foreva.. I guess the risk of swallowing the gum is there and would cause a major problem if it got stuck. 

I'm ready to do this! Just trying to take it one day at a time and get through each hoop! 

Anything But Easy

          My weight has been an issue for me for roughly the past 10 years. Actually, it became an issue for me after it became an issue for others. I used to look fabulous, but unfortunately I never knew it. I listed to the few assholes in school who would refer to me as "fat ass Paula" and my father who would constantly remind me when I was gaining. It's a shame that I was never able to appreciate what I had when I had it. 
         In college I gained, after college it continued into my marriage, and now into motherhood I'm unrecognizable. For me, my weight issue was never a vanity issue. If that were the case I would have never let myself get to this point. I don't look in the mirror every day and hate myself... but I do struggle to get dressed without the feeling of failure every day. I get out of bed limping because my ankles and feet are over loaded with this body that they have to carry around. It hurts to walk. It hurts to walk.. I'm 29 with a 1 and 3 year-old. This has got to stop and it stops now. 
         This past June I woke up one day and put on one of my moo-moo dresses that I know I shouldn't wear in public but do because it's too hot for anything else and I've been to fat for shorts for about 6 years. The chafing that an overweight woman deals with in the summer is miserable. There isn't enough baby powder in the world that can keep those legs from rubbing together. I'm scarred from it. My skin bled. Forget embarrassing, it was unbelievably painful and that's all that mattered. And that was the deciding factor for me. I decided on hot ass afternoon as I laied in bed because I couldn't walk without my thighs bleeding that I was going to get Lapband. I wasn't going to spend another summer like this. It was the final battle I would have with this body. 

       So this blog is about my journey. I know that many people think this is extreme, unnecessary, and taking the easy way out. I couldn't care less about what others think. I'm doing this now because I have a 30% chance of making it to 60 years-old and that's not good enough for me. I'm doing this because I have two babies and a wonderful man who deserve better a happy, healthy, leader in their family. I'm doing this because I know myself. I know that I will continue to gain year after year if I don't do this. And I'm also doing this because I can't wait to say good bye to that bitch Lane Bryant! Enough of her and her over priced clothes. 

I just turned 29 last week and it was the last fat birthday I'll have. I'm going into my 30's a better person!